Worst Day of My Life

big-boy-status

My first born (Jacob) started preschool on September 12, 2016. It was literally one of the WORST days of my life! I will never forget this day. I will never forget every single thing that played out. I will forever remember it, like it was yesterday! From the second I dropped him off, to the moment I picked him up… my body, mind, and soul felt ridiculously incomplete.

As I walked him into the classroom (with his sister/ Victoria in my arms), the other kids were all excited to see a new fresh face and so kindly welcomed him. I hugged him and told him calmly that I was going to “work” like all the other moms/ dads and that I would be back soon to pick him up. He seemed okay with it. The teacher walked Jacob, Victoria and I over to the play area and allowed us to hang out, which was super nice of her! About 10 minutes later, she walked over with some paper work (the daily schedule, etc.) and we chatted for about 5 minutes. As we were standing there, almost everything she was saying to me, was going in one ear and out the other. I was literally trying soooo hard to mentally and physically prepare myself to leave the classroom. The thought of leaving my baby with complete strangers for the first time EVER had my stomach in 98749785835 knots! As our conversation was coming to an end, she began walking towards the door. I felt it. The time had come. I had to go. My eyes began to tear up as we got to the door and I looked back at my baby playing with his new friends. He didn’t even notice us walking away. She told me that going forward, drop off should be quick, no longer then a minute, and that no matter what happens, I had to stay strong!

As I walked out the door, I looked back at my baby one last time, and of course, he was looking right at me. Dead in the eye! Probably confused about where he was and where I was going. He ran towards me faster then the speed of light, and tugged at my leg as he began crying and muttering that he wanted to go home. I knew he didn’t understand what was happening. But he totally understood that we were leaving. The teacher picked him up and with her eyes, gave me a signal that I could/ should leave… so slowly turned my back and left… Unsure if that’s what I was ‘supposed’ to do as a mother. I could hear him screaming MOMMY COME BACK and crying as I was leaving. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know how to feel. I was so confused. I just left my child, screaming… calling for me… in a classroom with a stranger, and a bunch of kids, and I’m walking away. Just like that. WTF? I felt like a terrible mother. I felt like a terrible human being. I felt like I had just done something terribly wrong. I wanted to go back in there and just bring him home with me. My brain was in overload mode. My mind was full of thoughts and questions. I had no clue what I had just done. Can you guess what I did? YUP! I cried. ALL the way to my van, with Victoria in my arms. She didn’t really notice. She didn’t even seem to care. I put my shades on the second I got in the van, then yep, you guessed it, I cried ALL the way home.

The rest of the day is almost a complete blur to me. I was such an emotional wreck! I was watching the time, ever so closely. ALL DAY! I wanted the day to end, so I could just go pick him up and bring him home.

PICK UP TIME! 🙂 The moment his sister and I walked in the classroom, he spotted us. The GLOW in his eyes and smile on his face, had my eyes watering up almost instantly. He ran to us and hugged us so tight! It literally melted my heart! He was SO happy to see us!

On our way home, we talked about his first day of school. He told me about some of the things they did and all the fun he had! I was so excited for him and most of all, relieved that he had a great first day! As we were talking, my mind started racing. This overwhelming sensation just started happening. It was like my mind officially and finally registered what was happening – that my baby, was no longer a baby anymore. He was officially a toddler and in preschool. Next year, he will be starting the real deal – JK. #BIGBOYSTATUS

When we got home and settled, I kept replaying the drop off, day, and pick up, over and over again in my head. I starting feeling super emotional. I guess I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry again or not. I had this huge bag of emotions just chilling right there, that I didn’t quite know what to do with. So I pulled out my Gratitude Journal and started to write. I started to tear up a bit… I’m not going to lie. Happy tears! I was feeling SO blessed and grateful for having the opportunity to experience this huge milestone/ journey in life, with my baby, who’s not a baby anymore. I WAS THERE to drop him off. I WAS THERE to pick him up. I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE! EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

For that, I am FOREVER grateful.

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Marleana Da Silva  #momonamission #mwa

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One thought on “Worst Day of My Life

  1. This is absolutely beautiful! Exactly the way I felt on my daughters first day of preschool. 💙

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